This is the time of year when I normally sit down and reflect on what I want to accomplish before my next birthday. I'm not really in that place this year. Autumn is normally my new year. It's when I thrive surrounded by vibrant colors, cold crisp air, wide flung windows, warm apple cider, and the crunch of leaves under my feet. This year is different. I've spent a lot of time lately thinking and allowing myself to trust. My faith has been tested and has grown. It's been a very personal time for me these past few months. It's been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I was reading some poetry today by Jen Lee and it opened something in me that made me want to sit down and write. So I am. I'm also going to go out on a tremendously long limb (for me) and share.
I hope that one day I am able to look at myself the way I look at my son. I forgive his mistakes quicker than I forgive my own. I don't believe his angry words that he spits out at me when he doesn't get what he wants. I have hope for his life. I know his strengths and weaknesses, and am constantly surprised by what he is capable of doing. I hold no grudges against him. I can see him for all that he is and all that he is not and I have nothing but love for him.
I know that one day he's going to look at me and realize that I am not perfect. I'm okay with that because I'm slowly starting to realize that it is ok not to be. It's ok to want my space. It's ok to dance when I want and to sing loudly when it hits me. It's ok to want to use my energy to be creative. It's ok to forgive and forget. It's ok to cry when music moves me. It's ok to be over the moon for my husband. It's ok to allow myself to be sad, to hibernate and really feel it. It's ok to be vulnerable even though it hurts me down to the core. It's ok to ask for help even though it makes me even more vulnerable. It's ok to constantly make lists of things I want to accomplish but then never mark them off. It's ok to like knowing that the list is out there. It's ok to live simply and delight in the beauty all around me. It's ok to want more memories and not more "stuff".
Since having my son and almost losing myself, I have learned that I also don't like being right all the time anymore. I hate to think of all the energy I have wasted throwing up walls, giving up my empathy, arguing, holding grudges, & generally thinking I'm better than some people. In the end, who cares? My phone used to ring off the hook with people that called themselves my friends. Now it sits silent most of the time and when it does ring, I'm excited because I know it's someone I love. I used to love to be the center of attention. Now I enjoy comfortable silences. I used to love to talk just for the sake of talking. I used to think that that was the only way you learned. Now I know that you learn more by getting your hands dirty and walking your talk.
I don't think I'll ever stop pushing people's buttons. I like to watch people accomplish things they never thought they could. Maybe now I just won't push them into getting in trouble...though who knows?? I think I'll always be a mischevious little monkey. I'm intrisically curious and you'll be hard pressed to fit me into a stereotype. I'm the girl that will listen to IIIrd Tyme Out, Motley Crue, and Shug Avery's gospel music all in the same hour. I'm the one that will weep for The Color Purple, Lloyd Dobbler, and puppies wrapped in toilet paper. I'm the one that will befriend the freaks with multi-colored hair and tattoos, the dirty hippies, the queers, and the Mormons. I'm the one that will always believe that when my left hand itches I'll get some money soon and you'll never see me walk under a ladder. I'll be the one that will always have a story and I'll never stop believing that everyone has something good inside of them. I'll never stop trying to help them see what I see. I'm learning to see what people are and what they are not and having nothing but love for them.