Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Who knew I would ever quote Salma Hayek...

The biggest thing brought into my life was this peacefulness. I still get passionate about things, but my passion is not so scattered and it's not needy. It's a lot more powerful because it comes with this groundedness and peacefulness. That it's about the process, not about the results.
Salma Hayek, Conversation with Salma Hayek, 2002


"The life we are most devoted to is the life we don’t have" -Karen Mazen Miller

I read this a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It resonates in my soul. Often I am asked, "tell me something exciting". I am then forced to search my brain for something I have done that would be considered exciting. More often than not I find nothing.
I find immense pleasure in couponing and meal planning. It is not exciting but it is necessary to keep me in my budget. I find immense pleasure in laundry and the immediate gratification its completion brings. Again...not exciting but necessary. I find pleasure in playing with my son or making my husband smile. Not exciting but completely necessary.

I spend a good deal of my time learning to be a better person. Getting back to who I am. I sit and I think a lot. I monitor my anger all the time. I don't do this because I am a better person, I do it because I will never be anyone else. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood and take it out on my child, my husband, or a close friend. I don't wake up happy and refreshed but I do make a concious effort every day to watch my actions so that those I love don't suffer because of me.

It took me years to learn and practice with complete honesty the art of sympathetic joy. I am truly happy for people when they get what they have worked for. I am happy when luck appears to be on their side and they have won something. I am no longer jealous because someone I know drives a better car than me or lives in a better house or even appears to have a better life. I do have a problem with someone getting everything they say they wanted but then still not being fulfilled. I am slowly finding peace and happiness within myself but it is hard work.

Every day is a battle. Most days are spent fighting off apathy because the things that used to excite me just don't excite me anymore. I feel suffocated by it and the only thing that seems to alleviate it is finding joy in the simplicity of life. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my passion. I don't like to debate anymore. I don't like to party. I perfer small intimate groups to large ones and I don't like being the center of attention. I don't necessarily have an opinion about everything. These are all things that used to make me, well...me. So I feel a little lost and not quite sure where I fit in sometimes. So I am on a journey to find the spark that ignites the flames of an authentic, passionate life. It's fun and it's frustrating but I know that it will be worth it.