Flames

"The life we are most devoted to is the life we don’t have" -Karen Mazen Miller

I read this a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It resonates in my soul. Often I am asked, "tell me something exciting". I am then forced to search my brain for something I have done that would be considered exciting. More often than not I find nothing.
I find immense pleasure in couponing and meal planning. It is not exciting but it is necessary to keep me in my budget. I find immense pleasure in laundry and the immediate gratification its completion brings. Again...not exciting but necessary. I find pleasure in playing with my son or making my husband smile. Not exciting but completely necessary.

I spend a good deal of my time learning to be a better person. Getting back to who I am. I sit and I think a lot. I monitor my anger all the time. I don't do this because I am a better person, I do it because I will never be anyone else. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood and take it out on my child, my husband, or a close friend. I don't wake up happy and refreshed but I do make a concious effort every day to watch my actions so that those I love don't suffer because of me.

It took me years to learn and practice with complete honesty the art of sympathetic joy. I am truly happy for people when they get what they have worked for. I am happy when luck appears to be on their side and they have won something. I am no longer jealous because someone I know drives a better car than me or lives in a better house or even appears to have a better life. I do have a problem with someone getting everything they say they wanted but then still not being fulfilled. I am slowly finding peace and happiness within myself but it is hard work.

Every day is a battle. Most days are spent fighting off apathy because the things that used to excite me just don't excite me anymore. I feel suffocated by it and the only thing that seems to alleviate it is finding joy in the simplicity of life. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my passion. I don't like to debate anymore. I don't like to party. I perfer small intimate groups to large ones and I don't like being the center of attention. I don't necessarily have an opinion about everything. These are all things that used to make me, well...me. So I feel a little lost and not quite sure where I fit in sometimes. So I am on a journey to find the spark that ignites the flames of an authentic, passionate life. It's fun and it's frustrating but I know that it will be worth it.