Ok universe I'm putting it out there. I'm tired and out of balance. I'm feeling like I'm empty at the end of the day. A kind of wrung out feeling like I have used up all my reserves.
It's time that I get to have some fun. It's time that I get to hear my laugh again surrounded by the laughter of those I love. It's time that I get to relax for a bit and enjoy myself. It's time that I get back to taking care of me.
I need some laughs this weekend and I need some silence. I need some me time and I need some fun.
Come on weekend...show me what you got!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sometimes it's nice to remind him
Reasons to love my husband:
I love how he gets on the floor and wrestles with our son and then chases him all around the house
I love hearing him read a book to our child every night
I love that he still surprises me by his generosity after all these years
I love that he knows what I need sometimes before I even know
I love that he picks me up a Diet Mt Dew sometimes just b/c he knows I love them
I love him on vacation
I love that he will go on vacation and spend hours building sandcastles with our child
I love that he will also spend hours catching him as he jumps in and out of the pool
I love that he loves me so passionately
I love that our little family means everything to him
I love that he kisses me every time he leaves the house
I love that he lets our little one snuggle between us when he'd rather be sleeping
I love great big family kisses
I love that he can cook anything I can dream up
I love that he is the best griller I have ever met
I love watching my boys mow grass together
I love how he fixes my side of the bed every night before he goes to sleep so all I have to do is slide under the covers.
I love it when he gets a hair cut
I love the way he is still rocking my world
I love that he fixed our neighbor's basketball goal and that he then played basketball with a teenager
I think it's sexy when I catch him reading
I love that he will pitch in and do exactly what I need
I love that he jokes with my best friend and makes her laugh
I love that he randomly calls me to ask me about my day
I love that he can enjoy silence with me
I love that he is a smart ass and can dish it out as well as take it
I love that he can raise one eyebrow
I love that he is happy to let me have a girl's night every week
I love when he catches me looking at him
I love how we can communicate when others are around w/o having to say a word
I love that I get to spend my life getting to know him
I love how he gets on the floor and wrestles with our son and then chases him all around the house
I love hearing him read a book to our child every night
I love that he still surprises me by his generosity after all these years
I love that he knows what I need sometimes before I even know
I love that he picks me up a Diet Mt Dew sometimes just b/c he knows I love them
I love him on vacation
I love that he will go on vacation and spend hours building sandcastles with our child
I love that he will also spend hours catching him as he jumps in and out of the pool
I love that he loves me so passionately
I love that our little family means everything to him
I love that he kisses me every time he leaves the house
I love that he lets our little one snuggle between us when he'd rather be sleeping
I love great big family kisses
I love that he can cook anything I can dream up
I love that he is the best griller I have ever met
I love watching my boys mow grass together
I love how he fixes my side of the bed every night before he goes to sleep so all I have to do is slide under the covers.
I love it when he gets a hair cut
I love the way he is still rocking my world
I love that he fixed our neighbor's basketball goal and that he then played basketball with a teenager
I think it's sexy when I catch him reading
I love that he will pitch in and do exactly what I need
I love that he jokes with my best friend and makes her laugh
I love that he randomly calls me to ask me about my day
I love that he can enjoy silence with me
I love that he is a smart ass and can dish it out as well as take it
I love that he can raise one eyebrow
I love that he is happy to let me have a girl's night every week
I love when he catches me looking at him
I love how we can communicate when others are around w/o having to say a word
I love that I get to spend my life getting to know him
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Soapnuts
There is a special place in my heart for soap nuts. There is also a giveaway. Go sign up and if you win, could you share the love?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
To be nobody but yourself--in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
- EE Cummings, poet
- EE Cummings, poet
Friday, June 4, 2010
Bittersweet
Today is a bittersweet day for me. It is a day of rebirth but it is also a day of awakening. Four years ago yesterday I was released from the hospital after having a c-section. My child was perfect in so many ways and I was feeling a love I had never felt before. I was also having a hard time breathing. I told my husband, my mom, the nurses, and the doctor that my chest felt tight. The dr. dismissed it as anxiety even after I explained that I am not an anxious person. I had to be weighed before I left the hospital and I pointed out to the dr. that I hadn't lost any weight since giving birth and shouldn't I have at least lost the weight of my son? The dr. dismissed it as fluid retention and that I would be ok after a few days.
So I went home, I still felt weird and I still kept telling people. I took a shower, I laid around with my son and then went to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I felt like I was drowning. I tried to go to the bathroom but couldn't. I told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital but he took me outside to talk me out of my anxiety. I knew something wasn't right. I finally looked at him and said "NO! You need to take me to the hospital now. I can't breathe".
In the 10 minutes that it took to get dressed and get me to the hospital, I was coughing up foam and felt like I couldn't exhale. I was begging him to run stop lights b/c I just knew I was dying. We got to the hospital, I jumped out, and ran into the emergency room. I told the woman at the desk that I couldn't breathe and she tries to tell me to "fill out these forms". I slam my hand down on the desk and say "No! I can't breathe!" My husband came in and told her that I just had a baby and that I was released from the hospital earlier that day. Well she hit some button and people came running. I was thrown into a wheelchair and a kid's oxygen mask was put on my face. For some odd reason I had it in my brain that this tiny mask was the reason I couldn't breathe and I kept trying to pull it off. Someone was in my ear telling me that I had to keep it on and that I needed to calm down. Last thing I remember is being thrown onto a gurney, my clothes are being cut off me, I'm bargaining with the nurse that I will calm down if she will take the oxygen mask off, and I saw my husband holding my purse as they shut the door. That was June 3, 2006. I woke up June 5, 2006.
I lost an entire day, which has its anniversary today. I remember nothing about it except I know that my mom told me my older brother was there and I remember thinking "Oh God it must be bad if he is here" so I opened my eyes, looked at him, and passed back out.
(Now I must interject here to let you know that I have always been a sassy "told you so" kind of woman. I used to love to be right.)
Next thing I remember is that I woke up and I couldn't talk b/c I had a tube in my throat. I asked for a pen and I wrote "what happened?" I listened and then I said "I told you I didn't feel good." Then I passed back out. Everyone that I know that was there for this says that this was the moment when they knew I was going to be ok. I woke up a second time and did the same thing. I don't remember waking up the first time but my mom kept the paper that I wrote on and that is the only way I know that I did. I was in the ICU for a week after that while my husband's family took care of my newborn. I would get to see him for about 30 minutes a day but that 30 minutes was the best part of my day and gave me the strength and will to get better.
I remember barely being able to walk up and down the halls of the cardiac unit. I was the youngest person there and all the nurses fawned over me b/c I had a newborn. When I got home I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded. I had to force myself to walk around the block and I would have to stop several times before I could make it home. I would push the stroller while someone walked next to us. I was and still am determined to get healthy for my child.
Apparently what had been going on behind my back was that the doctors were telling my family that I may have to have a transplant. I may end up at another hospital if the medicine didn't work. They were preparing my family for the worst. There was a whole lot of praying going on. My guess is that some 10,000 people were praying for me. My uncle knew of someone hosting a 5,000 person revival and they were going to pray for me and I figure that if each of those people just told one person then that was easily 10,000 praying for me. This does not count family and friends that actually know me.
So this now explains why I get so excited when I can do a 13, 14 , or 15 minute mile on the elliptical. I started out not being able to walk around the block. I had over 50 lbs of fluid drained out of my body while I was in the ICU. I weigh less than that now but I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.
My attitude about life has changed too. I have no time or tolerance for drama. Life is too short and if someone is toxic then I do not want them in my life. I have tons more patience than I ever thought possible. I am less inclined to judge and more inclined to listen. I find joy in my everday existence and try my best to find at least one reason to laugh every day.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I was supposed to pay God back for saving my life. I finally figured out that he doesn't want me to pay him back. My time here was not done & I just needed a giant kick in the pants to realize that I am awesome, my life is awesome, & the people I have surrounded myself with are awesome. I needed to shut up and enjoy it. I still struggle to have it make sense but just typing this I realize that I have come leaps and bounds since 4 years ago. I am taking better care of myself...in fact better care than I have ever taken. I am so proud of how far I have come even though I have so far to go.
So I went home, I still felt weird and I still kept telling people. I took a shower, I laid around with my son and then went to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I felt like I was drowning. I tried to go to the bathroom but couldn't. I told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital but he took me outside to talk me out of my anxiety. I knew something wasn't right. I finally looked at him and said "NO! You need to take me to the hospital now. I can't breathe".
In the 10 minutes that it took to get dressed and get me to the hospital, I was coughing up foam and felt like I couldn't exhale. I was begging him to run stop lights b/c I just knew I was dying. We got to the hospital, I jumped out, and ran into the emergency room. I told the woman at the desk that I couldn't breathe and she tries to tell me to "fill out these forms". I slam my hand down on the desk and say "No! I can't breathe!" My husband came in and told her that I just had a baby and that I was released from the hospital earlier that day. Well she hit some button and people came running. I was thrown into a wheelchair and a kid's oxygen mask was put on my face. For some odd reason I had it in my brain that this tiny mask was the reason I couldn't breathe and I kept trying to pull it off. Someone was in my ear telling me that I had to keep it on and that I needed to calm down. Last thing I remember is being thrown onto a gurney, my clothes are being cut off me, I'm bargaining with the nurse that I will calm down if she will take the oxygen mask off, and I saw my husband holding my purse as they shut the door. That was June 3, 2006. I woke up June 5, 2006.
I lost an entire day, which has its anniversary today. I remember nothing about it except I know that my mom told me my older brother was there and I remember thinking "Oh God it must be bad if he is here" so I opened my eyes, looked at him, and passed back out.
(Now I must interject here to let you know that I have always been a sassy "told you so" kind of woman. I used to love to be right.)
Next thing I remember is that I woke up and I couldn't talk b/c I had a tube in my throat. I asked for a pen and I wrote "what happened?" I listened and then I said "I told you I didn't feel good." Then I passed back out. Everyone that I know that was there for this says that this was the moment when they knew I was going to be ok. I woke up a second time and did the same thing. I don't remember waking up the first time but my mom kept the paper that I wrote on and that is the only way I know that I did. I was in the ICU for a week after that while my husband's family took care of my newborn. I would get to see him for about 30 minutes a day but that 30 minutes was the best part of my day and gave me the strength and will to get better.
I remember barely being able to walk up and down the halls of the cardiac unit. I was the youngest person there and all the nurses fawned over me b/c I had a newborn. When I got home I couldn't walk up the stairs without getting winded. I had to force myself to walk around the block and I would have to stop several times before I could make it home. I would push the stroller while someone walked next to us. I was and still am determined to get healthy for my child.
Apparently what had been going on behind my back was that the doctors were telling my family that I may have to have a transplant. I may end up at another hospital if the medicine didn't work. They were preparing my family for the worst. There was a whole lot of praying going on. My guess is that some 10,000 people were praying for me. My uncle knew of someone hosting a 5,000 person revival and they were going to pray for me and I figure that if each of those people just told one person then that was easily 10,000 praying for me. This does not count family and friends that actually know me.
So this now explains why I get so excited when I can do a 13, 14 , or 15 minute mile on the elliptical. I started out not being able to walk around the block. I had over 50 lbs of fluid drained out of my body while I was in the ICU. I weigh less than that now but I'm still nowhere near where I want to be.
My attitude about life has changed too. I have no time or tolerance for drama. Life is too short and if someone is toxic then I do not want them in my life. I have tons more patience than I ever thought possible. I am less inclined to judge and more inclined to listen. I find joy in my everday existence and try my best to find at least one reason to laugh every day.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I was supposed to pay God back for saving my life. I finally figured out that he doesn't want me to pay him back. My time here was not done & I just needed a giant kick in the pants to realize that I am awesome, my life is awesome, & the people I have surrounded myself with are awesome. I needed to shut up and enjoy it. I still struggle to have it make sense but just typing this I realize that I have come leaps and bounds since 4 years ago. I am taking better care of myself...in fact better care than I have ever taken. I am so proud of how far I have come even though I have so far to go.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Current journey
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet." - James Oppenheim, short-story writer, novelist, poet
The secret to happiness is not to get what you want, but to want what you already have. If you think about it, most discontent grows from want. We want more stuff, more excitement, more pleasure. When we don't get those things, we're resentful and unsatisfied. Take away the want, and you take away the unhappiness. When your quality of life is tied to your desires, fulfillment is a shadow that escapes your view. Like trying to imagine a new color, the harder you look, the harder it is to see. Does this mean you stop setting goals and striving for a healthy lifestyle and better life? No. It means you can appreciate life regardless of the outcome. It means you can relish the pursuit while accepting the possibility of failure. It means you can still enjoy the ride. Happiness is not a destination--it's a way of life.
I read this this morning and it completely sums up the journey I am currently on. It's a hard one, to be sure, but I'm tired of looking outside of myself for solutions to my weight issues or even my happiness. I know that I already have everything I need. Seriously...have you met my family? My boys are both awesome, kind, supportive, loving...I could go on and on. When I'm having a bad day I only have to think of them to know how lucky I am. I keep saying that they deserve the best me possible. I'm working on it, I am.
The secret to happiness is not to get what you want, but to want what you already have. If you think about it, most discontent grows from want. We want more stuff, more excitement, more pleasure. When we don't get those things, we're resentful and unsatisfied. Take away the want, and you take away the unhappiness. When your quality of life is tied to your desires, fulfillment is a shadow that escapes your view. Like trying to imagine a new color, the harder you look, the harder it is to see. Does this mean you stop setting goals and striving for a healthy lifestyle and better life? No. It means you can appreciate life regardless of the outcome. It means you can relish the pursuit while accepting the possibility of failure. It means you can still enjoy the ride. Happiness is not a destination--it's a way of life.
I read this this morning and it completely sums up the journey I am currently on. It's a hard one, to be sure, but I'm tired of looking outside of myself for solutions to my weight issues or even my happiness. I know that I already have everything I need. Seriously...have you met my family? My boys are both awesome, kind, supportive, loving...I could go on and on. When I'm having a bad day I only have to think of them to know how lucky I am. I keep saying that they deserve the best me possible. I'm working on it, I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
