The Journey

The Journey {by Mary Oliver}

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

The beauty of innocence

My 3 year old son went with me to the gym last Thursday. As we were leaving he asked me why I went to the gym. Not wanting him to see my weight or "being fat" in a negative light I told him the following: I go to the gym to get stronger. I go there to build strong muscles and to be healthy. I told him that he would be riding a bike very soon and I wanted to keep up with him.
He answers me from the backseat with "but Mama, you have big muscles. You are strong. You can pick me up."
I then explained to him that very soon he would be riding a bike and I know that he will be very fast. I explained that I wanted to be able to keep up with him so that he wouldn't have to slow down because of me.
He's had my butt in the gym almost every day since then and reminds me constantly why I am doing this and why I am here.
I think I am awesome, my son thinks I am beautiful, and my husband lets me know every day that he loves me. Why would I not take care of myself and grow old with them?

Excerpt from an interview with Karen Miller

We are so good at telling ourselves the story of what we can't do, of what's not going to happen in our lives, the places we'll never go. We like to go on and on about our limitations.

But what if all of this expertly leads us to the way out? Our very seeking, our feelings of discouragement, our lack of fulfillment, is nothing other than a tug towards the way out. We have to listen. We have to take the next step. We only ever get anywhere one step at a time, little by little. If we don't heed that, what we might do, what we are conditioned to do, is to numb that feeling. Drown it, cover it up, in whatever way we do this. We might shop more, exercise more, change relationships, seek a different car, or house, or job. Whatever it is, we ignore our own internal GPS which keeps trying to get us to turn towards truth.

You just have to proceed, to listen, step by step. And trust that that uncomfortable feeling, your unhappiness, is actually a life-saving feeling. Your life crashing around you is actually a life-saving event. You have to pay attention.

beauty

This weekend my child looked at me and said, "Mama, you're beautiful. Can I give you a kiss?" Seriously did my heart a heap of good.

Holy Cow Batman!

Want to stay awake all day w/o caffeine of B Vitamins? Try having your child wake you up at 3am screaming "Daddy!" at the top of his lungs b/c he has the worst nose bleed you've ever seen. I'm still jacked up from the sight. Blood was everywhere. On hands, feet, legs, underwear, shirt, face, sheets, pillows. It looked like he had fought a wild animal. I was screaming for the hubby but he didn't hear me so I had to run downstairs and wake him up and we both took off running upstairs. Then after everything was cleaned up I was back downstairs washing the brand new Spiderman sheets that were on the full size bed we just upgraded the litte one to. There was no way that I could let the stains set. My brain is still reeling and I cannot focus today.

Btw...All detergent is awesome. I could pour it on the stain and watch it disappear.

Who knew I would ever quote Salma Hayek...

The biggest thing brought into my life was this peacefulness. I still get passionate about things, but my passion is not so scattered and it's not needy. It's a lot more powerful because it comes with this groundedness and peacefulness. That it's about the process, not about the results.
Salma Hayek, Conversation with Salma Hayek, 2002

Flames

"The life we are most devoted to is the life we don’t have" -Karen Mazen Miller

I read this a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me. It resonates in my soul. Often I am asked, "tell me something exciting". I am then forced to search my brain for something I have done that would be considered exciting. More often than not I find nothing.
I find immense pleasure in couponing and meal planning. It is not exciting but it is necessary to keep me in my budget. I find immense pleasure in laundry and the immediate gratification its completion brings. Again...not exciting but necessary. I find pleasure in playing with my son or making my husband smile. Not exciting but completely necessary.

I spend a good deal of my time learning to be a better person. Getting back to who I am. I sit and I think a lot. I monitor my anger all the time. I don't do this because I am a better person, I do it because I will never be anyone else. I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood and take it out on my child, my husband, or a close friend. I don't wake up happy and refreshed but I do make a concious effort every day to watch my actions so that those I love don't suffer because of me.

It took me years to learn and practice with complete honesty the art of sympathetic joy. I am truly happy for people when they get what they have worked for. I am happy when luck appears to be on their side and they have won something. I am no longer jealous because someone I know drives a better car than me or lives in a better house or even appears to have a better life. I do have a problem with someone getting everything they say they wanted but then still not being fulfilled. I am slowly finding peace and happiness within myself but it is hard work.

Every day is a battle. Most days are spent fighting off apathy because the things that used to excite me just don't excite me anymore. I feel suffocated by it and the only thing that seems to alleviate it is finding joy in the simplicity of life. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my passion. I don't like to debate anymore. I don't like to party. I perfer small intimate groups to large ones and I don't like being the center of attention. I don't necessarily have an opinion about everything. These are all things that used to make me, well...me. So I feel a little lost and not quite sure where I fit in sometimes. So I am on a journey to find the spark that ignites the flames of an authentic, passionate life. It's fun and it's frustrating but I know that it will be worth it.